I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.