Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Does it…does it take 3 days
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Left at a local drug store…
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.