Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken