Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”