“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
You Might Also Like
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today