If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
fixed it
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!