I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?