WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator