Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
this country is so goddamn polarized
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.