If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
You Might Also Like
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
☺️
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.