the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.