[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.