“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.