😂😂😂
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Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food