[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
You Might Also Like
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?