HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.