I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.