Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad