ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
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I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa