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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.