me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!