People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning đ chill out. You arenât a teletubby.
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[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, itâs called Panic Attack
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Iâm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonightâŚI got extra.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor roomđ
When Bryan Adams sang âBaby, youâre all that I wantâŚwhen youâre lying here in my armsâŚâ I bet he was talking about brisket.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Hey donât get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”