I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Breaking news:
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶