ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Nothing.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid