Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
The days of good grammer has went
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.