*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.