[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.