Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Meanwhile in Portland…
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler