Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.