What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You Might Also Like
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Battery falling down a hole
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*