Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*