Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I feel attacked.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”