My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
i actually laughed 😩
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.