Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Word!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.