[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Botany good plants lately?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind