BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.