“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The days of good grammer has went
Wait a second…
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.