“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
🙋♀️
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt