Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
(Jupiter –
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.