Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it