[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Just ordered me some pizza!
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*