Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Cat.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My blood type is coffee.