My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call