What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.