I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?