if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You Might Also Like
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.