Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
True.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please