The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
⛄️
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.