If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
You Might Also Like
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.