Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
The little toadstool has spoken.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Worth a try
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.